he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
