i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
