I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
