My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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