Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
