If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
