Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
