So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
