He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
