I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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