I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
