i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
