hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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