he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
