It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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