Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
