On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Houston, we have a blender
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
