Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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