I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
