How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
