How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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