This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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