he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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