HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
