I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
