Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
