Soap is not a condiment
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
