my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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