Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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