i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
