it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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