its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
