This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
