I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
