I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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