I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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