No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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