just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
