Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
