mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
