You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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