Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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