My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The uberlube is also flammable
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
