you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
