I'm gonna have a badass scar
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
