i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
