I think im going to throw up on grandma
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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