Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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