I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
