last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
