Cold hands, warm shart.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
