Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
