We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
